I've had this sweet little baby outfit hanging in my closet for about 6 months now. (John claims it's been closer to a year.) I bought it with the intention of having our next baby wear it. Although we already have four wonderful children, we've known that there are more to come. Two more to be exact. And I can't wait to get to that point.

Even before knowing I had Lyme disease, I knew something was so terribly off in my body that having another baby wasn't a good idea. Carrying a baby for nine months, having it rely on your body for its own growth and development and then giving birth to it and having all go well with that is so taxing on the body. And when a body is already severely taxed and has been so for many years, having a baby isn't exactly the wisest decision to make.

After a couple years of going from one doctor to the next and finally finding out that I had Lyme, I knew for sure that our gut instinct to hold off having more children was right on.

Lyme disease is easily transferred from mother to baby. Some doctors disagree with this. But there are too many mothers experiences that say otherwise. So am I concerned that my children might have Lyme? You bet.

Initially I have been most concerned about their digestive systems. Mine has never been up to par - thanks to the crazy amount of antibiotics I took for acne while I was a teen and the way I handled stress for so many years. All my kids manifest an impaired digestive system in one form or another; candida, sensitivities to pasteurized dairy, eczema and abnormal stool.

I never really worried that much about the possibility that they too may also have Lyme until I went to the clinic and they asked me if I thought my kids may have it. I told the doctor that I was a bit concerned about my youngest, Millie, having it because my condition flared up while I was pregnant with her.

It wasn't until I was receiving my treatment and speaking to other moms in the room that my concerns peaked. They too asked me if I thought that my children might have it. I told them my concerns about Millie and commented that she does always seem to have one ailment or another she's complaining about. But, I explained, I felt that she did this because she always sees me dealing with one ailment or another.

Truthfully, her repetitive complaints actually irritated me. I felt that she was only acting this way because she (I'm embarrassed to say) learned it from me. I didn't want her to become a hypochondriac.

One mother in the clinic said, "Ya know, it's my belief that children don't complain about things just to complain. They complain because something is really bothering them." The truth of that comment hit me hard when she said it and I began to tear up.

I felt so bad that I would always shove Millie's complaints away by saying, "You're fine." Flashbacks of her complaints crossed my mind.

"Mommy, my tummy hurts." - "You're fine."
"I wanted to cry in my (church) class and go to you because my foot was hurting." - "You're fine."
"Ow. My tummy hurts." - "You're fine."
"My arm is hurting." - "You're fine."
"My tummy isn't feeling good." - "Millie! You're fine!"

Lyme. It commonly hits the digestive system first. Muscle and joint aches that sporadically hit different areas of the body comes next. It's quite possible that Millie has Lyme. If left un-diagnosed and untreated it will wreak terrible havoc with her body, steal her life and be transferred to her children - if she lived that long.

I've been much more compassionate and caring to her continuing complaints ever since I returned home from the clinic.

All of my children will need to be checked for Lyme - especially energetic, colorful, strong willed, sensitive, constantly-dancing little Millie.

(This is one of Millie's dance interpretations of a particular hip-hoppish song. She spends time dancing away to an array of different songs daily.)

Having that baby outfit hanging in my closet, seeing it every day, makes it feel that having another baby is closer, more real and more possible that it otherwise usually feels. My Lyme will need to be erased. My health, strength and vitality will need to be restored. But we'll get there. One day.

I know it!

Lymie Friends

Being hooked up to an IV for a couple of hours at the West Clinic allowed me the opportunity to meet others who were receiving treatments as well. The first lady I met was a woman who flew in from Connecticut. Lyme Connecticut which interestingly enough is where a lot of this whole Lyme issue started.

This woman was probably in her 40's. She's a mother of nine. She's even a grandmother although you'd never guess such a thing by looking at her. Nor would you guess she had had Lyme. She had been getting treatments for the last seven months and was now only needing to come in once a month just for maintenance. I enjoyed being able to visit with her.

One other Lymie I met wasn't in as good of shape. She was as pale as could be. Had a feeding tube inserted into her nose and wasn't as lively as the first woman I chatted with. I did get a chance to talk to her though. Her husband was there with her as well so we got a chance to hear his side of the story as well.

Her health had been ailing her for many years, from childhood really. She did her best to hang on. She had surgeries removing her gall bladder and appendix. But then crashed just last Summer.

She became quite sick, sleeping most of the day. Her husband said she'd only be awake 4 hours in the day. They took her to a multitude of hospitals but they didn't know what to do for her. The last doctor they saw shrugged her shoulders at them and told them to "go home". Her husband told me that they did so knowing that she only had a couple more weeks to live.

During that first week they found out about the West Clinic and, not quite sure whether to believe in such hullabaloo, took her there anyway. She had to be wheel chaired in. She was unable to talk. Unable to eat. Her skin color was gray. She was on the brink of death.

Although she looked quite sickly to me (and maybe that was mostly the feeding tube talking to me) her ability to walk and talk and be alive was a complete miracle to her, her husband and her four young children. And she was only improving. Her feeding tube was going to be taken out in a week.

Her issues stemmed mostly from Lyme and parasites.

One person that I should also mention is Alicia. She never had Lyme. But her daughter Sara did. Sara had Lyme ever since she was a toddler - they weren't aware of the fact that it was Lyme that they were dealing with.

Alicia was the lady who took and analyzed my blood under the dark field microscope. She was such a great listener and so compassionate and caring. I know she's able to be so compassionate and caring because she dealt with the reality of Lyme, through her daughters experience, for so long.

Here's her daughters story.

Alicia lived in a motor home, next to the West Clinic while Sara received her daily treatments. Alicia informed me (a few times) that her daughter is now completely well. "She's like the energizer bunny" she explained to me a couple of times. I just teared up. The story is touching but the tears came because I want to be energetic again too. I want to be who I know I really am again. It almost seems to good to be true.

It was nice getting to know these people. We all seemed anxious to hear each others stories. We all understood each other. Related to one another. We knew that even though we looked okay on the outside - our blood was (or used to be) riddled with the Lyme bacteria that wreaked havoc to our health and slowly pushed us away from being well and from enjoying life. Instead it created a life of constant struggle, unpredictable days and near death experiences. 

Although these new found Lymie friends and I carry an ache in our hearts, the ache is covered with hope. We are all in the right place and we know it. It was exciting and energizing to be there with them and I'm excited to meet others as I continue my treatments.

New Treatments

I've been seeing the same N.D. for the last six months. The improvements I had were as follows:

No more flare ups with muscle weakness in neck and shoulders.
Gall bladder pain - gone.
Shoulder pain - gone.
Yucky heavy feeling in brain - gone.

So there were definitely some very needed improvements made but I still have more bad days than good. I felt that they got me as far as I could go with what they had to offer - labeling me as a "difficult case". Which isn't the first (or probably the last) time I'll be "labeled" as such.

I decided to seek treatment through a well known and reputed clinic called the West Clinic in Pocatello Idaho. They are known to diagnose, treat and cure "Lymies" (aka: people with Lyme).

There are many tests that were done while I was there. They did a test called a "dark field" blood test. You can actually see my blood platelets floating around. There was a lot that they were able to tell through this test and other tests. Here's some of what I remember:

I do in fact (still) have Lyme disease. About half of my blood cells are riddled with intracellular co-infections of the Lyme bacteria. My blood is also riddled with Lyme in its cyst form.

My kidneys are severely taxed because of the toxins (Lyme mostly) that my body is dealing with.

I have intestinal issues (an impaired digestive system) and am not digesting my food right.

 A lot of my blood cells are oxygen deplete.

My blood is also riddled with yeast - Candida to be exact.

Most of these things didn't surprise me. I wasn't aware of the kidney issue and I wasn't quite sure where I stood with the Lyme - now I know. I didn't see any of those nasty spirally spirochete swimming through my blood cells so I thought that maybe I didn't have Lyme. Maybe it was gone! Maybe my health issues were stemming from something else.

But I was unaware of the fact that the Lyme bacteria has several phases in its life cycle as it lives in our blood. Like I mentioned, it was mostly in its intracellular and cyst form stage - which to the untrained eye, like my own, wouldn't be something easily recognized.

I also thought that I've just matured a lot :) and have learned to deal with stress a lot better than I used to. When the doctor began speaking about stress I proudly (yet humbly, by all means) told him that I don't stress about things anymore.

He told me quite frankly, "That's because your body is so deplete of the things necessary that allow you to react to stress! Your hormones are shot. Your adrenals are shot. There's nothing there to allow you to feel, deal with or handle stress. The ability to feel stress is actually a good thing."

Oh.

So what do I do now?

I'm going on the GAPS diet. Which I had a hunch I needed to do anyway. This diet will heal my digestive system and be a great aid in restoring my immune system.

I'll be treated through IV therapy. If I lived closer they'd have me do the IV therapy three times a week but since driving up there and being hooked to an IV for 2-3 hours at a time takes up the whole day, they said I could get my treatments one time a week. If I regress any, I'll have to come in more than that.

It's a sacrifice for many. My husband who drives six hours total for me to get this treatment. Our family because we don't get to do extra fun vacations or trips because our money is pouring into my treatments. My mother who watches my kids while I'm away. My father who allows my mom to watch my kids and therefore has one less important employee working in his shop.

All these people. Sometimes I feel so bad. I feel guilty and it brings tears to my eyes. But I quickly have to shed those negative feelings and replace it with feelings of gratitude. Gratitude that I've found people who can gift me my life back. Gratitude for my family, my husband, my mother, my father who all love me enough that they are willing to make sacrifices to see me get better.

Getting better. Being whole again. That's what it's all about.

I can't wait!