The next largest bulk of the money went to some wonderful doctors in Ogden Utah whom I saw for 6 months and whom I know saved my life when the Lyme and other things were causing bouts of brain inflammation.
The last doctor, Dr. "J", at the West Clinic, is the place that is currently where our money is going to and basically the last place I thought I'd ever have to go to. I was always hoping that perhaps the Lyme wasn't all that bad and that it could be treated through less aggressive means. But I'm simply so grateful that such places exist.
I wish I could say that we're filthy rich and that forking out all this money isn't an issue but we're not and it is. We've been incredibly blessed in the last year to have gotten some extra income which made it possible for me to have these treatments and make the progress I've made.
But life is real. Money runs out.
It's so easy for me to think of so many places that the $10,000 could have gone to: completely paying off our car, a new bedroom set (every now and then I get sick of our mattress on the floor!), stuff for the kids' education, multiple trips to Disneyland (we've never even been!), etc.
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Vacation! Period. Forgive me for grumbling for a minute however, seeing as how today hasn't been a good day and my spirits aren't as peppy as they ought to be and I don't have it in me to play pretend...
We are burned out.
...John working like mad trying to launch our business as soon as we can... the financial stress of it all knowing we only have so much money left until it runs out and not quite knowing how this new business will do in its infancy... the kids stepping up and doing more than most kids do... the energy is pulls from all of us as we all deal with my trips to the doctors, my inability to go out and do much, my needing to lie down a lot, and those dreaded flare-ups that, whether you try not to worry or ya don't, it causes concern for everyone in the house.
We almost always hide the truth of how ugly these flare ups from the kids. They know I'm not well. I try to let them know it isn't normal to have a mommy that's sick all the time. But when things get real ugly we usually pop in a movie or send the kids to bed early and John sticks by my side, giving me blessings, comforting me as I break down after trying so hard to stay calm and be strong.
What can I say. We're burned out. I've been sick for over 5 years now. It's been the longest five years of my life and honestly, sometimes, especially lately, I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I don't have that same kick that beats from the core of my being, driving me to continue seeking after and doing what will truly heal me. I never thought that kick would begin to wear out as well. It's my will to live! One can't live without that!
I've been praying a lot lately - asking Heavenly Father to inform me as to whether or not I'm going to live. Is there something he still needs me to fulfill in this life? Or am I one of those people that, even though they still want to live, there are more important tasks at hand for them in heaven?
I don't want to be one of those people!
I love Heavenly Father with all my heart and many times during my life I've yearned to be with Him again but I have my children, my husband, my mother, my siblings. They'd be so sad if I left. I have things I want to do in life: I want to paint. I want to finish Language Land. I want to learn how to play the cello. I want to teach others how to eat healthy foods that heal the digestive system. I want to see and play with my grand kids. I want to grow old with John and experience that success with him that he and I have been working so hard to create. I want many, many more vacations at Bear Lake with my family.
I. Want. To. Live.
And right now, I want a long, extra long, vacation at Bear Lake.
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