Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Truth


Children. They're so full of life. So full of laughter, unconditional love, energy. When I look at the pictures of myself as a child I feel a wave of grief. I'm so far from being that peppy little self I used to be. Sure I'm getting older but it's more than that.

Do I mention this or not? ... I don't know who will be reading this blog but I need to remember that I wrote this blog to be honest about how Lyme is affecting my life and to have some of the details of it recorded so that I can, hopefully, look back and say, "Wow! I got through that. I'm so glad I'm all better now!"

It's more than just getting older ... I'm dying. If I were to stop all treatments I might have another year, maybe two, at the most three left. My mind realized that truth just yesterday but I won't let that phrase hit my heart or soul. This type of piece of truth and reality would weaken anyone when it hits the heart or soul.

To my soul; I'm alive and will be fine. I'm getting treatments at the right place (finally!) and will get better. Heavenly Father does need me to do more of His work here on earth. My kids need me. John needs me. I'm needed here and will be spared.

Probably about a couple of years ago, for whatever reason, I had a bout of maybe 2 or 3 good days and was praying to Heavenly Father thanking him for helping me to feel better. The response from Him was, "It's going to be rocky." "What?!?!" was my ever so humble (hah!) reply.

"Why would that be His response?" I wondered. "How much more suffering could there be? How bad could it get?" I didn't really want to know. I was a bit disappointed to say the least.

I sure hope I'm at the end of it now. I know that die-off will be hard, so I'm not quite there yet. Just thinking about doing the couple of treatments per day for a full week makes me as nervous as if I was about to go into serious surgery. But I do hope and pray that the constant suffering will come to an end soon and that the struggle will ease up and even disappear from here on out (after my week long treatments).

Ya know ... that's another thing. I've had to dig deep within myself for many, many reasons. I've had to ask myself serious questions such as: Well, do I want to live? If so, what do I want to live for? And another issue I've had to face and be honest about is: Do I feel worthy of or deserving of living a healthy, happy life?

For whatever reason, I think that for a long time I didn't! There are so many inner messages we live with that have usually stemmed from the way we interpreted life while we were young and one of those messages that sat, unrecognized, within myself was simply this: Life is hard. It can't be good or something bad will happen. I am not worthy of having things be easy. 

This illness has given me the chance to recognize many of these negative messages that have influenced what I was attracting into my life and allowed me the opportunity to turn those messages around. Now, I don't feel that these messages are the main reason why I have this illness but I realize that it hasn't helped in the recovery either.

So in regards to that:

I deserve a happy, healthy, long, vibrant, joyful, AMAZING life!

Ahhh, that felt good! I really need to wake up saying that every morning. :)

And isn't that what that cute little face up top is saying anyway? My goal here is for me to return to being who I really am isn't it? Well, indeed I'll try!

Maybe that's one of the things that creates that untouchable innocence children possess. Their spirits rightfully trumpet, "I deserve a happy, long, amazing life!"

Yes. Yes you do, sweet child. And so do I. For, did you know, that I was a child once too?

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