The frustrating thing about Lyme is that I look just fine. "What's wrong with her?" people quietly ask "She looks fine." Yes. I can pull myself together enough so that I can function around people ... for short periods of time.
I remember one time, while at a meeting for a church ward activity, I was feeling so miserable. My brain was burning. My muscles were so weak. I couldn't think. I couldn't express anything in words that made sense. But I pulled myself together with every ounce of energy my invaded muscles could muster and got through it without embarrassing myself too much.
I went home and crashed. Life is like that quite a bit for me. Go to church (or most of it anyway) and crash. Go to a family function and crash. Go to some fun event with my family and crash. Goodness even go on a walk with my children! Crash.
Naps aren't an option for me. And it's hard. I want to be strong. I want to be fit. I want to go, go, go. I want to because I know that's who I really am! "The German Workhorse." is what my husband titled me when we were first married. "Look at Claudia go!" is what my gym teacher proudly exclaimed as I did push up after push up.
I'm competitive. I'm strong. I can handle pain beyond what most anyone I know can handle. I can endure hard things. I can have a good time. I can be humorous and sarcastic. I can run and run, pushing myself to extremes.
Lyme has changed all that. My nerves rattle at the slightest sudden onset of stress. I wake up super shaky on a bad day. I need to rest and sit quite often. I need naps every day. Pain is something I no longer handle well. My adrenals are shot. I'm constantly in a quiet mode, reserving energy for the constant healing and crisis my body is under.
I do have some good days though. Good days aren't free of symptoms, ever. But I, for whatever reason, have energy that day and feel like life's going to be okay. That even though something might not be going quite right, things will be okay in the end anyway.
So, when those well meaning voices come: "Why don't you just exercise?" "Where's the doctor that can give you that shot to fix you?" "Maybe you need to take more vitamins." "Maybe you need to let go of emotional issues." I do my best to handle them well.
If I were to say, "I have cancer." Anyone and everyone would have compassion, would pray for me, would be understanding of any random ailments that come my way. But with Lyme the reaction tends to be: "What's that?" or "She looks fine." or "Yeah, sometimes I worry about every little ache or pain too." or "She's still sick?"
However, today, I can just smile about such comments and shrug them off. Why would someone understand? No one can or will unless if they've been in the debilitating, quiet grips of Lyme.
It's okay if no one understands. All that matters is that I get better and that I will be able to live life to its fullest, enjoy my children, my husband, and this wonderful opportunity of living on earth that I've been blessed with.
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